SEX FILES: Unlocking the secrets to fighting fair

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When I first moved in with my ex-partner, we bickered relentlessly about his couch. We’d combined households, which meant that we had two of everything. Neither of us wanted to give up the mismatched sofas we’d brought into the relationship – his bright red upholstery, my black leather – so they sat in our living room, facing each other in an absurd furniture standoff.

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I loved my boyfriend, but I also loved that couch. It was the first piece of grownup furniture I’d purchased with money from my first real job after university. I wasn’t going down without a fight. It wasn’t until I had a full-on emotional breakdown – while on skates in Nathan Phillips Square no less – that I realized we weren’t arguing about furniture.

The couch was merely a proxy for how I felt I was losing my identity in the relationship. My boyfriend had no idea I felt this way. It was only once we surrendered our passive-aggressive slights and had a proper argument that we were able to move past the issue.

Here’s the thing – it’s OK to fight.

“We’re conditioned to think that all fights and arguments are bad, but they aren’t,” says Lisa Brateman, a licensed clinical social worker.

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Instead, Brateman, author of the new book, What Are We Really Fighting About?: How to Transform Conflicts into Conversations, says it’s possible to turn conflicts into meaningful conversations. She says, “This notion might seem counterintuitive, but that’s because most harmful fights are repetitive, knee-jerk arguments that have no resolution.”

The trick is learning how to fight productively. “Harmful fights break down trust and communication while productive fights bring out empathy, understanding, and the willingness to truly listen to what is being said,” shares Brateman.

Productive fighting is all about learning to communicate effectively, even in moments of conflict. “How couples communicate with each other including tone, content, listening skills and a curiosity to understand is vital to where the fight ends,” Brateman says.

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However, “fighting fair” is often easier said than done. Many couples have entrenched patterns that lead to unproductive fighting. This can include “yelling, defensiveness, accusations, interrupting, gaslighting, trying to win the argument, name-calling, bringing up other unresolved fights, controlling behaviour, guilt-tripping, manipulative statements, passive/aggressive comments, putting each other down, not clarifying what was meant, and ultimatums, to name just a few,” says Brateman.

Brateman’s book provides couples with strategies to avoid these common pitfalls. “One of the most important things you can do to become a better fighter is to be able to identify your typical default response — the go-to defence mechanism — that you and your partner have when a fight begins,” says Brateman. Learning what triggers each of you will help you become more aware of — and learn to change — your behavioural and emotional patterns.

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It’s also important for couples to make space for vulnerability – a key component of intimacy and trust. Brateman says, “Contrary to common beliefs, admitting to vulnerability is a show of strength, not weak­ness. Being aware of your own or your partner’s vulnerability is where listening skills are especially needed.” The next time your partner shares new information —even while yelling — Brateman suggests saying something like, “Wow, I never knew that. I wish you had shared that with me before, but I’m really glad you shared it with me now. Tell me more.”

Brateman encourages couples to stay curious. “Sometimes couples truly don’t know what’s behind one another’s anger because they never asked before,” she says.

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Anger is often used to protect ourselves. “It masks feelings of shame, anxiety, and loss which would expose your vulnerability as well,” says Brateman. However, she says, “Encouraging vul­nerability while truly hearing and responding with empathy and interest will get to the heart of the conflict or misunderstanding—and can turn the situation around.”

Sharpening your listening skills can also make your arguments more productive. She notes, “How can you resolve an issue when you usually hear aggression and not the pain of what is being said?”

To turn arguments into meaningful conversations, resist the urge to interrupt or use the phrase, “you always.” If things become too heated, remember it’s OK to take a breather – provided, you both “agree to continue the conversation when you are both calmer,” says Brateman. If you still struggle with conflict, a licensed therapist can help you hone your communication as a couple.

Learning to fight effectively begins when you step back and decide to do things differently. After all, while you may think each fight is different, the underlying theme of the argument and how it plays out is often the same. For this reason, Brateman suggests that when in doubt, couples should ask each other, “What are we really fighting about?” She reminds us, “More often, it is not what it seems on the surface.”

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